I came across this study the other day which challenges the hypothesis that MAP is the cause of CD. If you're interested in this sort of thing, it's worth reading.

In their own study, they failed to identify MAP DNA in granulomas microdissected from patients with active CD. They also reviewed several other studies, some of which supported their findings and others which conflicted. They do point out, to their credit, that it's possible that CD is "a heterogenous group of diseases, with MAP being one etiologic agent. If this were so, then the conflicting results in the literature could be explained by the inclusion of varying proportions of cases actually caused by MAP."

Since we still don't know what causes CD, and since it is likely not the same thing in every case, and since we each bring our own unique genetic, physiological, psychological, emotional and spiritual histories to the disease process... I'm not sure how much this matters. The key is finding something that works for us. It makes sense at this point to choose a multi-threaded strategy that would address the various possible etiologies of CD. That's exactly what Jini's program does.

Here's the study: http://www.nature.com/modpathol/v17/n10 ... 0184a.html

Be well!
Chris

Thank you, Chris. I can tell you do a lot of reading and research and you always come up with interesting things!

I agree with you. Looked at from a certain perspective, it really doesn't matter that much whether the medical profession ever isolates a cause. What matters is healing and as you say, the more factors we address, whether all at once or building up over time.....diet, infectious agents, balancing the immune system, lifestyle, emotions, etc.,.... the more likely we are to see healing for our efforts.

I love what Jini says in Chapter One of LTYG. Even if the cause was identified, that still wouldn't tell you why YOU got the disease. So even then, there'd be some self-examination and adjustments to be made for ongoing health. That's a concept I had to make peace with, myself.

Always enjoy your posts!

Nicole

Hi Nicole!

I'm glad you enjoy reading my posts and find the research interesting. I've also really enjoyed your contributions to the forum, and in particular your balanced and holistic approach to healing.

I certainly share the opinion that we are at least in part responsible for our illness. However, by "responsible" I do not mean "at fault" or "to blame", I mean "able to respond". There is a pervasive belief in certain circles that we create our own reality, and therefore if we are sick we must have created our illness. According to this ideology, we get sick because we couldn't let go of certain emotions or behavior patterns, or because there's some lesson we needed to learn that becoming ill would teach us.

Certainly our emotions, behavior, psychological patterns and way of being in the world influence and contribute to (or detract from) our health and well being. But the issue I have with the mentality described above is that it is primarily an egocentric worldview. In asserting that we create the reality we see around us, and that we are responsible for everything that happens to us in that reality, this worldview makes the assumption that we are in complete control. The illusion that we have such control is a natural attempt to find some comfort and safety in a chaotic and scary world.

I've seen this worldview taken to cruel and, in my opinion, dangerous extremes. If we create our own reality and have complete control over our circumstances, what does that mean about victims of sexual abuse, for example? Do children that are beaten by their parents ask for or invite that kind of treatment? These may seem like exaggerated examples, but they are actually the logical extensions of the same mentality that holds we are fully and completely responsible for our illness.

I've been practicing Zen Buddhism for the last eight years or so. I have recently met a Zen teacher that is one of the most radiant, open-hearted, present and compassionate people I've ever come across. She has also had Rheumatoid Arthritis for the past 35 years, and two months ago she got ovarian cancer. This woman has done years of awareness practice and deep emotional work around her illness, and I would say that she is fully and completely healed. Yet the symptoms of both illnesses remain, and indeed she may die in the very near future.

Does this mean she has failed? Does it mean she wasn't able to let go of something she shouldn't be holding on to? Some would suggest this to be true. My opinion, however, is that human beings and life in general are almost infinitely complex. When we assume that we are in full control of what happens to us, we deny this complexity and close our minds and hearts to the mystery, to that which we do not know and may never know. Why do we do this? Because believing we know the all the answers and have complete control is a lot less scary than accepting that we are only partly in charge of what happens to us.

The great literary critic Susan Sontag wrote an essay called "Illness as Metaphor". In it she critiques the popular notion that illness is somehow a metaphor for what is happening emotionally or phychologically for us. She points out that animals get diseases like cancer, diabetes, arthritis, etc. that are often considered to be "metaphorical" by the New Age community. If your cat got leukemia, would you assume that it was due to a childhood experience or some emotional trauma it couldn't let go of?

Of course we can't go too far in the other direction, either. It would be equally absurd to suggest that we play no role whatsoever in our illness, and that we aren't responsible for making changes when we become ill. But this distinction is a razor's edge, so to speak, and it's very easy to slip off to one side or the other. I certainly have, and continue to do so. It's my practice to keep coming back to the middle as much as I can.

I just want to be clear that I'm not pointing any fingers here... I haven't seen the kind of attitude I'm reacting to in Jini's books or here on the forum at all. But I do see it around me in the subculture I live in, and it is something I obviously feel quite strongly about. I would love to hear what comes up for people as they read this.

Regards,
Chris

Forgot to mention one of the main ideas I wanted to convey, which is this:

I do believe it is still important to continue researching and learning as much as we can about these illnesses, what causes them, and how they can be treated. After all, we wouldn't have Jini's wonderful program if she hadn't taken it upon herself to learn everything she could about Crohn's and explore new methods of treating it.

That's why I continue to do my homework! And the truth is, I enjoy it and it's a way of exercising my mind (which can get very unruly if it doesn't get its exercise )

Chris

Hi, Chris.

I'm posting a link to a site on Gary Craig's website, because I think it meshes really well with the point you're making about the "blame game" some people can get into. (That's a very old game, too....think of that old story of Job of "the patience of Job" fame and the "friends" who came to "comfort" him, but pretty much said that he must have done something really bad and that all of his misfortunes must be his own fault.)

This is a letter written to Gary by a doctor who utilizes EFT in his practice and Gary's responses to the doctor's concerns. I thought he made a good case that the contribution negative or unresolved emotions may play in illness need not be equated at all with blame or guilt.

http://www.emofree.com/Articles/emotion ... Dec18_Tip2

I thought it made interesting reading and hope other people will enjoy it, as well.

One thing I can say for sure and this really motivates me to try to take as good care of my emotional/spiritual health as I try to take of my physical body. When I feel happy and at peace, my physical body almost invariably feels good. When I'm unhappy, any physical complaint is magnified. That's really why I try to make time for EFT on a daily basis....there are always problems and stresses every day and I find that EFT does a really good job for me in lightening the load of these so that there's room for happiness and energy for positive action in spite of the problems.

But I sure know what you mean about continually slipping off towards one side or another and having to rebalance. Just imagine what life would be like if we could maintain perfect balance effortlessly.....it's really almost unimaginable!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, as always. (And it was clear that you weren't pointing fingers at anyone on the site.)

Nicole

Hi Nicole,

Thanks for your response, and I enjoyed reading the article you posted.

I believe that illness is still somewhat of a mystery. Adding to what was discussed in the article, illness also has a social element. We don't live in a vacuum, and we don't become ill in a vacuum. Our environment directly effects our health, as most people would accept. And by many standards, we live in a culture that is fairly ill and in a lot of pain. Some people absorb more of this cultural pain and illness than others, and this can also be a contributor to disease.

Also, regarding the issue of shame and blame. I agree with you that recognizing how our emotions may have contributed to our illness doesn't mean that we must blame or shame ourselves for that. Again this points to the issue of control. Did we choose what family we were born into, how we were raised, what childhood conditioning we received? Some may say yes, but in my opinion that is another dangerous and cruel argument. All of these factors influenced our development and the creation of psychological, physiological and emotional patterns. We are not to blame for them, but it is our choice about how we respond. That is the part we do have control over.

Warmly,
Chris

You two rock!

I'm loving this!

I have an uncle who's a retired nuclear physicist in the UK, I'm going to email him this thread and see if he wants to weigh in....

May also send it to a few others who may have some interesting contributions to make.....

Jini

So many things flooded my mind when I read the above posts. I wish my medical colleagues would read them.
In medical school we were trained to look for the one cause of disease and the one treatment. The template of medical education does not allow for multifactorial causes--therefore it's difficult for doctors to wrap their brains around that possibility. And the current 5-7 minute doctor's appointment reinforces the one cause/one treatment paradigm.
When I read medical literature, I rarely find any discussion about environmental/dietary/or lifestyle causes of illness. Even knowing that genes are turned on or off by vitamin and mineral co-factors hasn't caused medical research to delve into this amazing opportunity to modify our own genetic tendencies.
Yes, I believe we do have influence over our health-physically/mentally/emotionally/spiritually but especially when we educate ourselves about how our body works and how it works best--with the right building blocks and by avoiding toxic insults.
I believe we are living in a physioneuropsychoimmunoendocrine body where eveything we do impacts everything we are.
Carolyn

I'm enjoying this dialogue immensely, and it's nice to see you on the board Dr. Dean! I completely agree with your premise that we're living in "physioneuropsychoimmunoendocrine" bodies (and I absolutely love that word).

I want to share a study I recently read that really impressed me. I can't find the full text online, but I have made it available as a PDF at the link below. The authors present three different theories for the etiology of CD - autoimmune, mycobacterial infection and immune deficiency - and discuss how these theories are likely comlementary and interrelated rather than exclusionary. They still aren't acknowledging lifestyle and dietary factors, but at least they're admitting that what we call CD is likely different diseases with different etiologies for different people - and that of course points to environment playing a significant role.

http://homepage.mac.com/chriskresser

Best,
Chris

Thanks Chris,
In the PDF article the author's say "There are three main theories for the etiology of CD: the autoimmune theory, the immune deficiency theory and the mycobacterial theory."
In natural medicine we remind people that autoimmune-type conditions do not arise spontaneously--they arise from the body "attacking" an already "diseased" self. That means the underlying reason for the attack can be toxins from yeast or other organisms, environmental chemicals, medications, and heavy metals, and stress "toxins" that flood our bodies. Even the "attacking" organisms have to find an hospitable environment, which is guaranteed with a high sugar diet, heavy metals, antibiotics, and other medications. It is a vicious circle but knowing that we can begin to unweave the tangled web.
Happy Holidays
Carolyn

Two words really stood out in my mind after re-reading this discussion thread.

Chris was talking about control and Dr. Dean mentioned influence.

To me, one is stiffening and the other is freeing.

As Chris points out, it is simply impossible to control everything in our lives and to try to do so is an exercise in futility and frustration. And frustration/futility are obviously not going to promote healing.

On the other hand, the concept of influence is liberating in a way because it recognizes and accepts our limitations. We really CAN'T control everything, but we can certainly influence most things in our lives....including our health. Instead of certain failure (control), you have possibilities, instead.

This actually reminds me of horseback riding, which I used to teach professionally. Lets face it....you don't control a 1,200-pound animal. If it really wants to do its own thing, you're not going to stop it. Using brute force, even if it seems to get short-term results, is all but guaranteed to turn around and bite you in the butt from a training perspective. But you can come to understand what drives the animal and use that understanding to train it and influence its behavior pretty predictably.

In a way, that's how I see Crohn's Disease. For me, using the brute force method of drugs instinctively felt "off" right from the very beginning. But over time, we can come to learn what our bodies are asking for at different times and by meeting those needs, supporting wellness, to influence the course of the disease. I don't know if that sounds a little New-Agey, but it rings true for me.

I should say that that's the perspective I've had confirmed after reaching a good level of healing. (Something in me recognized right away that here was something that would work for me when I read Chapter One and the Table of Contents of LTYG online before I bought the book, but of course it takes awhile before you see significant results when pursuing natural healing methods.) There were certainly frustrations and occasionally even despair along the way, but in the end I found Jini's words to be true: listening to my body did bring rich rewards.

Thoughtfully,
Nicole

Nicole,

I love the distinction you make between influence and control, and the analogy of riding a horse makes perfect sense. I think this gets much closer to expressing the process of living with a chronic "dis-ease".

For some reason, the original link I posted isn't working. Here's the updated version. Also, here's another interesting review on the subject of the MAP/Crohn's link: http://gut.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/54/ ... ctfulltext
=and&searchid=1&FIRSTINDEX=0&sortspec=relevance&resourcetype=HWCIT

(Note: Sorry Chris, I had to break this URL since it knocked the margins out of whack for all the posts. To make this URL work, simply copy and paste it into an email or document, remove the hard return, then either click on it, or copy and paste it into your web browser. - Jini Admin)

Finally, here's what Detlev Goj, the president of the company that pioneered helminth therapy for Crohn's Disease has to say about the MAP connection:

Some of the features of Crohn's disease are similar to features on
infections with mycobacteria. This has raised the concern that Crohn's
is caused by a mycobacterium. This hypothesis has been exhaustively
investigated on multiple occasions using more and more sensitive
methods. A rescent study by Bernstein (J Clin Microbiol. 2004
Mar;42(3):1129-35) showed no increase in seropositivity for patients
with CD compared to ulcerative colitis or controls. This suggests that
mycobacteria are not causal. Furthermore, tuberculosis (which is caused
by a mycobacterium) quickly becomes fulminate (disseminated) if a
patient receives infliximab (Remicade) but patients with Crohn's disease
often improve. A good review of this topic is "Sartor, R B. (2005).
Does Mycobacterium avium subspecies paratuberculosis cause Crohn's
disease?. Gut 54: 896-898".
The current consensus is that patients with Crohn's disease do not have
an active causal mycobacterial infection. However, very rarely a
patient may appear to have Crohn's but actually has a mycobacterial
infection. These patients are usually identified by their unique
history (e.g. they are occupationally exposed to large amounts of a
particular mycobacteria). Routine treatment for mycobacteria has not
proved useful for patients with Crohn's disease.
Because it is doubtful that mycobacteria cause Crohn's disease, it
is doubtful that a vaccine against mycobacteria will cure Crohn's
disease.

Who knows? Again, the main thing is to find an approach that works for us. MAP may not be the cause of Crohn's, but I suspect that most people with IBD have some kind of bacterial or fungal infection that is either a cause, contributing factor or a result of IBD. That's likely why the oregano oil protocol works for many people.

Best,
Chris

Oops... forgot to update the broken link from the first post:

http://www.nature.com/modpathol/journal ... 0184a.html

There are so many different aspects to this discussion that for me to feedback on my viewpoint of every single one, would take a book. And who knows, maybe someday I'll write that book!

But for now, I'd like to address just one aspect of this discussion.

Chris, in your last post, you referred to living with "chronic" dis-ease. Chronic means incurable, without ceasing, and the fact that you (probably automatically, without much thought) used this quantifier shows that on some level you have accepted this reality. Or, feel saddled with it. (sorry Nicole, couldn't resist!)

During my healing journey I read many books that dealt with the concept of "you are not your disease". They basically explored and provided support for the concept that you can live with chronic illness and yet not let it define you - similar to the example you gave earlier about your Buddhist teacher. Now, on an intellectual level, I could certainly understand how coming to terms and accepting this concept would bring me peace. But whenever I tried to bring it on home, every fibre of my being rebelled and yelled, "No! This is NOT who I am, and I am NOT meant to live like this." So I refused to give up, and I kept searching.

And with every new health challenge that faces me (just went through pneumonia recently) I walk the same path. Because I KNOW, in my gut, through my soul, that I am meant to be a strong, vibrant, healthy person. And no matter how long it takes and how much work it is, I will get there, and I will live and revel in that space. And I do.

However, that's just me. And I'm sure it's different for many others. Many spiritual traditions refer to illness as a teacher, and for whatever reason, some people need to stay on that pathway of learning for a lot longer than others. So there is no judgment here, and no advocacy of one way as being better than another. We each need to connect with our gut, search our own soul and discover why our bodies are expressing dis-ease, what that means to us, and how we need to proceed with that. And perhaps, for your Buddhist teacher, that is the best way for her to learn and expand in the ways she needs, and so her spiritual self chooses to continue to utilize that tool of illness and she values and accepts that.

And then there is the issue of choice. If I have been using my body as a messenger for teaching and spiritual lessons, then I can either continue doing that - it's very effective, after all. Or, I can decide that I don't like that method anymore. And I can put in the time and work necessary to discover and forge a new method of communication with my spiritual self. Perhaps I'm going to discipline myself to sit in meditation for 1/2 hour every day - clear my energy body, connect to source, and just listen for any messages or teaching that way. Perhaps I'm going to start working with the Dreamtime, and ask my spiritual self and teachers to send messages that way. Perhaps I'm going to spend 1/2 hour in prayer to Jesus and ask for the winds of the Holy Spirit to blow through me, and then 1/2 hour listening to Jesus - and ask to be given any wisdom or messages I need that way. Again, it doesn't matter what your theology is, or what your methodology is. Only that you find a way that works for you. And, no matter how "spiritual" your current method may be, if it's not working, then it's not the right method for you - find what does work.

For some people illness is part of a spiritual path, for others it's purely a physical, you-need-to-live-eat-better path, for others it's some combination of both and often with other factors involved too. Again, here we get into the mystery you spoke of in earlier posts. That is why no one person can say, "Here, I've found the cure that will work 100% of the time." Because no one method, or substance, can possibly account for all the different reasons people become and remain sick. That is why I speak of a Healing Journey, where each person has to figure out the particular combination of reasons and contributors to their dis-ease and search out the mechanisms (healers, teachers, substances, knowledge, shifts of perception and being, etc.) that will resolve and release their dis-ease.

After reading your posts and also your bio you provided for the Moderator Announcement, I can pretty safely conclude that your dis-ease has a strong spiritual component (the same was/is true for me). So whilst that shouldn't stop us from pursuing physical treatments and mechanistic understanding - since these are necessary once the dis-ease has manifested deeply in the physical body - we also need to walk the pathway of spiritual understanding and discovery that our dis-ease is providing us with.

If we do not embrace this aspect of our dis-ease, and delay and resist by staying in our intellect - researching, experimenting, analayzing - our healing will take longer. And since your gifts are both your intellect and your spirit, only you can discern how much time you should devote to each and when you should dwell in one place, and when in the other, and when and how much time you should spend in integrating the two. One is not bad, and the other good. It's all good. Your challenge (and healing) is to find the right balance for you and then integrate the expression of that balance throughout all areas of your life. And when we can integrate this balance and express it in all areas of our life - our work, our food, our kids, our playtime, etc. - that's when we will blossom and our mind/body/spirit will unfurl and bloom with good health throughout all areas of our life. As Nicole mentioned earlier in one of her posts:

That's really why I try to make time for EFT on a daily basis....there are always problems and stresses every day and I find that EFT does a really good job for me in lightening the load of these so that there's room for happiness and energy for positive action in spite of the problems.

But I sure know what you mean about continually slipping off towards one side or another and having to rebalance. Just imagine what life would be like if we could maintain perfect balance effortlessly.....it's really almost unimaginable!

Nicole's method (or one of them) for connecting and receiving wisdom from her emotional and spiritual sefl is EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, www.emofree.com). This is a method that I use too, and lately I'm using it in combination with acupuncture (where the needles are stimulated with an electrical charge) and it's working even better for me this way since I get bored quickly when I have to do the tapping (stimulate the meridien points) myself. Like I said, it's all good. But we have to search out the ways that work for us and integrate our healing with out emotional/spiritual selves, to see true, lasting progress.

namaste,
Jini

Hi Jini,

First of all, l truly appreciate your very heartfelt and insightful response and the obvious consideration and time that went into it. I’m thoroughly enjoying this discussion and I think it gets to the root of the issues we’re all exploring here.

Sometimes I find it difficult to put my thoughts about this subject into words, because of the tremendous depth, complexity and mystery it is imbued with. I find myself agreeing with much of what you’ve said, Jini, and have found a lot of it to be true in my own experience. And then there are places where I have a slightly different perspective, but the difference is subtle and not always easy to put into words. I think it’s important to try, though... not because I think there is a “right” and “wrong” in this discussion (I most emphatically do not), but because I value the learning and self-discover that comes from these dialogues.

My use of the term “chronic” in the previous post was meant to convey the idea of an ongoing challenge that isn’t “acute”. I don’t understand chronic to mean incurable, but perhaps I’m mistaken. Regardless of linguistics, I will explore this further because in my conscious mind I don’t consider my current physical state to be something I will be dealing with for the rest of my life. If I did, I don’t think I’d be as intent as I am to find a healing path that will restore my vitality and well-being. If I was certain I’d be sick for the rest of my life, my efforts would be more focused on how to ameliorate the symptoms than how to actually heal the root cause of the illness. From day one of my “diagnosis”, this is the approach I’ve taken and I have continually decided against any treatment that is designed to simply suppress symptoms.

That said, I can definitely tell you that I’ve been feeling scared, frustrated and a little bit overwhelmed over the past several months. I have not yet found a way of living, eating and taking care of my body that has provided much relief from the pain and discomfort I’m in. And it’s certainly not for lack of trying . In the past year alone I have done the elemental diet twice, for seven weeks the first time and three weeks the second, along with the oregano oil protocol and the many other supplements on your program. I did four months of helminth therapy (the treatment was five months, but I had to withdraw due to side effects). I’ve done several probiotic infusions (these did provide some relief, but always temporary). I’ve tried low-dose naltrexone (LDN) twice, but again, had to withdraw due to side effects.

During this time I have also been pursuing the emotional and spiritual aspects of healing. I see a therapist regularly, I have a committed meditation practice, I spend time each day doing deep relaxation work, I write letters back and forth to my gut (a technique prescribed by my wonderful doctor), and I have incredible support from my wife, my friends and my family. As you pointed out in your post, this is a lifelong journey. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few years, but I know that I have a lot more to learn. I feel like I’m right at the core now of some very deep patterns that are just beginning to unravel and loosen their grip on me. I know that these patterns are at the root of the dis-ease, and that if I do not address them, I will always be one step behind their manifestations in my body.

Spiritual traditions do refer to illness as a teacher. However, where I may not completely agree with you is on the issue of choice. Metaphorically I envision a scale between “control” and “no control” (or, to borrow from Nicole, “influence” or “no influence”). I believe that events which take place in our life fall somewhere on that scale. A tree getting struck by lightning and falling on our car while we are in it probably lands somewhere closer to the “no influence” side of the scale, though we did have some agency (where we parked, being in the car, etc.). Someone’s teeth falling out because he didn’t brush them for 20 years lands closer to the “influence” side of the scale, though again there may be some factors that he didn’t have influence over. An illness undoubtedly falls somewhere on that scale, but can we really say with certainty where that is? Can we say without doubt that we have full influence over the condition of our bodies?

I do believe that we have some influence over our illness (perhaps complete influence in some cases), but I don’t extend that to mean that we choose a path of illness because we need it as a teacher. If someone becomes ill, and they choose to respond with curiosity, openness, compassion, and appropriate action, then they will unavoidably grow, develop and learn about themselves. In this way illness becomes a teacher for them. But this willingness to respond to “what is” in one’s body doesn’t infer that the person made a choice to invite that condition into their life so that they could learn those lessons. Nor does it mean, in my understanding, that if someone continues to be ill they are doing so because (either consciously or subconsciously) they are continuing to “choose” the path of illness as a teacher.

Undoubtedly there are cases where an individual remains ill because they refuse to address the circumstances (psysio-psycho-emotional-spiritual) contributing to their illness. But what about those cases where the individual has “healed” emotionally and spiritually from their condition, but the physical symptoms remain? I do not include myself in this group of people, since I am still plumbing the depths of how emotional and spiritual issues contribute to illness in my life. But I know of people who fit this description, and one of them is the Zen teacher (not my teacher) I mentioned in my previous post. Stephen Levine, a wonderful Buddhist teacher, and his wife Ondrea spent many, many years working with people who were experiencing life-threatening illness. In his book, “Healing Into Life & Death”, he makes a distinction between healing and being free of symptoms:

“As we came to see that healing occurs on many levels, it became obvious that there was not something spiritually or psychologically amiss with those who did not cure their bodies. It was from observing in many who died the healings of long-pained minds into the heart of great peace that we came to notice some discomfort with the appellations of some doctors that only those who physically healed were ‘superstars’ or ‘exceptional patients’. Because what does that make all those whose diseases increased unto death - low normals, second stringers? The confused elitism that somehow those who heal their body are “better” than those who don’t has a tendency to come back as a sense of failure on the death bed when the last disease inevitably comes along and displaces us naturally from the body.

We witnessed deep healings into the spirit of some who lived as well as miraculous healings in some who died. Some who discovered this innate balance were freed of illness, while others continued toward death. Some seemed to have healed the mind in a manner which left all about them at peace, yet their body continued to decay. Clearly, healing was not what we had imagined. Clearly, healing was not limited to the body.”

A common misconception of Buddhist thought is that “acceptance” somehow means submission. Acceptance simply means the recognition of “what is” in the present moment. It does not imply anything about what might be done in the next moment, what action could be taken or not taken, what response to the situation might be offered. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up; quite the contrary, it’s the first step towards appropriate action. It took me a long time to “accept” that I was ill. For the first couple of years I was still trying to live as if I was completely healthy and well. It wasn’t until I fully accepted my illness that I began to explore it and open to healing.

When I first became ill, I decided to go back to school and study Chinese Medicine in an effort to heal myself. Here I focused a lot of energy on learning about illness and health, though I did not know at the time that I had Crohn’s Disease. After a while, it became clear to me that I needed to devote more time to emotional healing. So I quit school and went to live at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, CA, which is a retreat center dedicated to personal development and growth. During this time I shifted the majority of my focus to the psycho-spiritual and emotional aspects of dis-ease. I danced, I sang, I sat in circles, I did deep emotional work, I played, I laughed, I met new friends, I soaked in the natural hot springs every day, I meditated, I did silent retreats, I surfed in the healing oceans, I did sweat lodges, I ate healthy, organic food grown right on the property, I received bodywork, I gave bodywork... it was truly a rich time. And yet the physical symptoms remained.

It’s been almost four years since I left Esalen, and I’m still grappling with this illness. Is it because I haven’t paid enough attention to the spiritual and emotional roots of it? Is it because I haven’t learned enough about diet, nutrition, self-care and the physical manifestations of it? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I really can’t say for sure. I do know that I’ve done absolutely everything in my power to explore every aspect of the illness I’m experiencing.

Whatever the answer is to that question, I notice that there is often an assumption behind it (either my own or someone else’s). The assumption is this: that if I just did better... if I could just embrace my disease more... if I could just let go more completely... if I could just listen more carefully... then my body would heal. That assumption has caused a lot of pain, guilt and shame in the past for me. I felt the sense of failure that Stephen Levine refers to in his quote above. I wondered what could be so wrong with me that was keeping my body from healing. I beat myself up for “not doing it right”.

Now I do not hold those judgments about myself. And if those thoughts do arise, I’m usually able to soften and relax around them pretty quickly and see that they are just thoughts - not the truth.

I still believe that I will heal, and I still hope that my healing will also include a return to my vitality and well being in my body. But I have come to believe that these two changes - a healing of the heart/soul, and a healing of the body - do not necessarily go hand in hand in hand. One may happen with out the other. Ultimately, what is most important to me is that I “heal into life”, as Stephen Levine calls it... that I find peace and compassion within my heart, and balance, joy and clarity in my life.

I’m deeply grateful for everything you offer, Jini - this dialogue, the forum, your work and your commitment to helping others - and thankful for your presence in my life.

With respect, appreciation and warmth,
Chris